Written 2024-04-04
Azabi (aka Blu, aka Azabiphetamine, aka Azabicyclooctanecarboxylate, aka Methylenedioxymethamphetamine, aka Ourple, aka Mr. Tetrahedron, aka Blauweman)
> warning !! this text is very old! quality may suffer.
The night never came. I layed down on my bed, scrolling through my phone for so long as if it were a life-saving medicine. The room was dark and quiet, save for occasional notifications that I received. I was covered in blankets and my phone was close to my face. I didn't have much else to do so I put my phone away and got rid of the blankets. It wasn't cold, and even though they were comfortable, I'd die of a heat stroke if I kept them on for longer. I laid for longer, staring at my ceiling, counting the same couple thousand dots on it for the hundredth time already. It all seemed ordinary to me. I got a notification from my phone. I was trying to let it go for the night but I failed again as I grabbed it to see who felt the need to text me. "Hey, Malhue? How've you been today? Haven't seen you around is all, and I kinda miss you." Messaged from Ranje. The same question for the fifth time this week. Should I tell him I've been feeling down? Because, well, that's not really new. I'll say something somehow, soon enough, I felt like I'd just have to answer the same "nothing much" as always. Though, if he really wants to hear me ramble there's still not much that I can say, everything seems normal to me anyway.
The night passed like always, sombre and sorrow accompanying it, and I awoke to sigh in exhaustion for barely even moving a muscle. I really am that weak. At least I feel that way. "So, how was the party last week? I'm sorry that I couldn't make it," I said. "It didn't go quite well, honestly, at least for me," he replied, somewhat sheepishly, "I was worrying about you not arriving." "Don't worry, it's not anything deep." I was feeling kind of reckless in the nights I couldn't sleep, but I couldn't muster up any of that to him. All I could let out was another facade to hide the events. But, it's normal. "You interested in coming next month?" I paused for a bit. I really did want to go, but I didn't know if I'd end up actually going, again. It's a habit. But it's the usual, and there's nothing to it, really.
I fell back into bed, feeling absolutely nothing. It all felt so slow, how I feel, the face I show the world. I don't tell, though, nor show. I don't want people to concern themselves for my unhappiness. Because I'm sure that it's normal. You know, losing interest in life. Wishing you never tried. Isn't that what's normal? I feel like there's not that much left for me, nothing that sparks a joy I once had, one I lost many months, hell, years before. There's nothing that I want, nothing satisfies me anymore. The only reason I went on, though, is because of Ranje. He'd feel regretful if I were gone, after all. Or, more likely, if I died.
I've already managed to write three notes that I've set aside. The ones people usually leave before they leave themselves. Additionally, many attempts were made, and many failures accompanying them. To my knowledge, these happen to have been eight, and I only wait to find out when the ninth will come around to greet me in its iniquity. But I keep these tales to myself. After all, I don't want to feel like a burden to him. Ranje doesn't deserve that. He deserves love and compassion, and a bright future, and I won't be there to bring him down or make him worry. It seems ordinary to me, but he doesn't understand, so I don't say. I believe it's best for him to be unaware. And I won't be gone, either. I wish, but I'm too much of a coward to take myself out in that way. Maybe one day, but even then, my worries for him and his wellbeing are the only sources of emotion that drive me to keep going. I wonder how much further those drives will take me until they, too, become meaningless to me.
The last thing I remember was our call back in January. But, nothing came from it afterwards. It's been a while since I've seen him since then. He's been away for a long time, I've tried inviting him to social events where I'm involved, I'm his only real friend, truly. But Malhue never seems to want to go. Or at least, he always hesitates. Our message count is less than three since he said he was free to talk to me, and it just worries me sick wondering what's been up with him. I can only message him, really. His dorm room is locked and he refuses to let the lock budge.
I listened to his voice 24/7, we were always going through it all, although he has left slowly without me noticing the newer distance. I do miss the times we spent together. It's not like he's gone, he's still around. But I got used to having him closer, I cared and care for him so much, and that's why I'm so unbelievably worried for him. In the end, it's not really either of our faults. I tell myself I haven't been encouraging enough, haven't been there enough for him, but I've reflected time and time again to realize it was never wrong from either side. The thoughts won't go away, though. I still tell myself I'm to blame that those wistful days are now long gone.
It's ironic, isn't it? He's a pop artist, of course our moments came and now they left. That's just how he is, how his lifestyle is. But I still wonder if he feels any sort of longing for me, if he feels the same way I do for him. If he feels the same way I do for him... I care.
I couldn't handle waiting for him much more. I sent him a message. I waited for about 15 minutes, seeing him come online and offline a few times, the ominous "Typing..." on-screen. Finally, I got nothing back from him other than a "nothing much," which hurt me deeper than anything I had ever received. I could tell there was something, and being what I thought to be his best friend it felt off to have him keep so much to himself. He was never open, he was introverted always, but he always let out his thoughts to me, I was a safe place for him. And I'm not anymore, at least, that's what I believe. I texted back a short "alright, lemme know if something happens please" before leaving my phone on my desk. I pondered for a while on whether to insist or not but I wouldn't want to force something out of him that he didn't want to share. I should respect his boundaries, but it just worries me more. I let out a sigh and went to bed, holding a pillow tight in my grasp, pretending like it's him.
I wake up and find myself on the ground, sheets half on the floor and half on the bed, and my pillow soaked. It was a typical scene to wake up to, I had never soaked my pillow that much though. It must have been last night, but I hadn't noticed that until much later. Only then, I decided to knock on Malhue's dorm another time, laying myself on the door expecting it to not even move a centimetre. It felt still and slow. Seconds pass, minutes, I already had in hand the sheet of paper I'd slip under his door every few days, with another message of concern and encouragement I had written the previous afternoon. It was a habit I had to try and stay in touch with him, but he never replied to them. But, to my surprise, it flung open and I threw myself backward into the dorm, hitting my head on the wooden floor. "Oh, shit! Sorry, Ranje! You okay?" Malhue quickly grabbed me from my waist and carried me to his bed, frantically moving left and right to make sure everything was good and that I was okay. That was... so nice of him. I'd never seen him so caring, and it gave me a bittersweet feeling as I remembered his late night message. Maybe he really was alright, maybe he just needed some time off of me, or people in general.
We talked for a while. We talked for quite a while, actually. It was so relieving to finally be with him again. And actually together, as well, not just another video call, or, more often, a voice call. He seemed so cheerful and it all felt so alive, it felt like a huge weight on my chest had finally been taken off. I felt that before, but I was finally able to get my emotional weight off as well, leaving my body finally free. We talked for hours and hours, exchanging what had been happening this time. He told me he just needed a breather from all the stuff that’s been going on these months. It was peaceful and fun and exciting all at once to finally reconnect with him. I knew that I’d always be with him and we’d trust each other no matter what. I wonder what exciting moments the future would hold.
It's been two weeks since that day. Malhue's been regularly chatting with me again, I've tried to convince him to reach out to some of my friends since they keep asking me questions about where he's been since the last few times he came to a party with me, but he won't budge, as is usual for him. I'm so incredibly proud of how he suddenly changed and I've been able to spend more time with him. I would never want him to go no matter what.
I hope he'll be happy when I'm gone.